Katabasis
by Siobhan
Summary: How I think Spike's African trials may go. Written after Villians aired but before Two to Go - Complete!
1. Day 1

Title: Katabasis (1/3)  
  
Author: Siobhan  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Archive: If anyone's interested just let me know.  
  
Feedback: Makes my world go 'round.  
  
Spoilers: S6 Finale – contains vague spoilers or, more accurately, rumors.  
  
Disclaimers: Joss is the Master of the Buffyverse and I own nothing but my daydreams.  
  
A/N: So I was following a discussion on BAPS about the Harrowing of Hell and Alane wondered what Spike would think of Limbo. I thought it was an interesting idea so I decided to give it a try. Of course, the story soon took on a life of it's own (as they are wont to do) but still – it was inspired by Alane's question – so thanks Alane!  
  
A/N 2: A HUGE thanks to Degan for being such an awesome beta and for being willing to work on such short notice.  
  
1  
  
2  
  
3 Day 1  
  
"Every sweet has it's sour; every evil it's good" – Ralph Waldo Emerson  
  
*****  
  
"You seek me, vampire?"  
  
I looked around the cave. "You do the finger-paintings?" Somebody needed a new hobby. "Nice work."  
  
"Answer me."  
  
Right. Straight to business then. "Yeah. I seek you."  
  
"Something about a women?" He paused. "The Slayer?" He sneered.  
  
"Bitch thinks she's better than me." She's not. "Ever since I got this bleedin' chip in my head. Things ain't been right." It's changed everything. "Everything's gone to hell."  
  
"And you want to return to your former self?"  
  
"Yeah." Fix me.  
  
The demon laughed, amused.  
  
"What?" I had had enough of people not taking me seriously.  
  
"Look what she's reduced you to."  
  
"It's this bloody chip – " I began, infuriated.  
  
"You were a legendary dark warrior." He looked me up and down. "And you let yourself be castrated."  
  
Castrated? How dare –  
  
"And now you have the audacity to crawl in here and demand restoration."  
  
"I'm still a warrior." I won't let her take that away from me.  
  
"You're a pathetic excuse for a demon."  
  
"Yeah, I'll show you pathetic -- give me your best shot!"  
  
"You'd never endure the trials required to grant your request." He dismissed me.  
  
"Do your worst." Just make it all stop. "But when I win I want what I came for," I said. "Bitch is going to see a change. Tell me what to do. Get rid of it."  
  
"Very well," he replied, darkly. "Enter the tunnel."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Enter the tunnel." He pointed to an opening carved into the side of the cave, past the paintings.  
  
"What - that's it? Kinda easy, innit?" I relaxed. "I mean, I came all the way to bloody Africa and that's it? Enter the tunnel -- bit anticlimactic, that."  
  
"You will see another opening on the left. Enter and follow it all the way through. If you survive, the source of your troubles will be removed."  
  
"Right then. Into the tunnel." Suddenly I felt a bit of nerves come over me. The whole if-I-survive part didn't sound too promising. Still, had to be better than what I had now. Bitch took my stones; time for me to get them back. "Ok then. Good luck with the . . . art." You're going to need it.  
  
As the demon backed away, I turned towards the opening in the cave wall, braced myself and went on in.  
  
*****  
  
It was dark. Really dark. Even with my vampire sight it was tough going. I reached out my left hand and laid it along the wall as I walked so I wouldn't miss the entrance. After I had taken several steps the wall under my hand disappeared. I'd found my tunnel. Either my eyes had adjusted or there was light coming from somewhere because it gradually became easier to see and I could tell that the tunnel was narrow, maybe about four feet across, and rose a couple of feet above my head. It looked long but it was hard to know for sure. The walls went on seamlessly until they were swallowed by the darkness.  
  
Checking out my surroundings took all of a minute and then I was left with nothing to do but walk. That got boring real quick. And it was quiet. Too quiet.  
  
I moved through the tunnel, on guard, sure that I was about to be attacked. But nothing happened. Finally I lost patience. I was the Big Bad and ready for action – time to bring on the beasties.  
  
"Hello?" I listened to my voice echo. "Hey, anyone out there?"  
  
There was no answer. I kept on walking.  
  
"So when do the trials start mate? This is right boring. When do we get to the action?  
  
Nothing.  
  
"Guess I'll just have to entertain myself," I muttered and began to sing.  
  
"We're Man U and we are loud,  
  
Loyal fans and totally proud,  
  
Beat 'em at home beat 'em away,  
  
Kill any bastards that get in our way. . ."  
  
*****  
  
It was hard to judge the passing of time. The light never changed, the only thing I ever heard was the sound of my own voice, and I was running out of songs.  
  
"Three bottles of beer on the wall. Take one down and pass around. Two bottles of beer on the wall. Two bottles ---"  
  
"Would you PLEASE shut up!"  
  
I stopped walking and tried to figure out where the other voice was coming from. "Who said that?"  
  
"If I have to listen to you sing even a minute more I would actually welcome death."  
  
I rounded a curve and came upon a gnarled old man sitting in front of a gate set down in the middle of the tunnel. The man was sitting on a short wooden stool and was hunched over so far his gray beard rested on his knees. He was dressed in old rags and had a cigar in his mouth. He was trying to light it but his matches weren't working and the book was almost empty. He glared at me from under bushy gray eyebrows.  
  
"Who are you, old man?"  
  
"Don't call me old - I'm younger than you, aren't I?"  
  
"If you say so, Grandpa." I looked at the gate behind him. It was closed and latched with a padlock that looked to be the size of my hand. "So what's with the gate?"  
  
"Did you think you could just waltz in? Think it was going to be a breeze?" He dropped another spent match on the floor. "If it was easy, everybody would be doing it and I'd never get any peace."  
  
"You want peace? Fine. Open the gate, Gramps, and I'll be on my way."  
  
"I said it's not that easy. You want through the gate it's going to cost you. Normally I just charge a couple of bucks but after listening to your singing for the last several hours I've decided to raise the toll." He finally got a match lit but he singed his fingers and dropped it. "Damn!"  
  
"What kind of toll? I don't have any money. Nobody said anything about a cover charge."  
  
"How you're going to pay is your problem, not mine," he said, distracted. "All I do is collect the toll." He took out his last match. "But if you hope to continue I suggest you come up with something." He tried to light it but he couldn't get the match to catch flame. He pressed so hard the stick broke in half.  
  
"Oh, for - " I took out my silver lighter. "Here. I can hardly negotiate with you if you won't pay attention."  
  
He took my lighter and finally lit his cigar. He inhaled deeply. "Aahhh . . . that's good." He looked at me. "You're still here? What do you want?"  
  
"I want to get through the gate. Now, about my toll . . ."  
  
"It better be something good. You're really irritating."  
  
"Oh, I'm the irritating one, am I? What about you, Pops? You're certainly no prize."  
  
"Maybe not. But I've got the key to the gate, which is more than you can say."  
  
He had a point. "Look Gramps, either you let me through the gate or . . . " I tried to come up with something suitable. He was human so I couldn't hurt him but maybe I could still threaten him. "You let me through . . . or . . . or I'll start singing again."  
  
"You wouldn't!"  
  
"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,  
  
a tale of a fateful trip.  
  
That started from this tropic port,  
  
aboard this tiny ship.  
  
The mate was a mighty sailin' ---"  
  
"Stop! Please – stop! You win! I'll let you through." He hopped off his stool and hobbled over to the gate, jingling a big key ring as he went. "Here." He opened the gate. "Get out of here. And no more singing!"  
  
I ambled on through the gate, smirking. "Thanks mate. Been a real pleasure doing business with you."  
  
I heard the gate slam shut behind me and his grumbles eventually faded into silence. Several minutes passed before I realized the old man had nicked my favorite lighter.  
  
*****  
  
I continued down the tunnel, sans music, until I rounded a curve and came upon another gate. In front of it was a huge demon. He had dark red skin that covered him like a shell, two horns, huge fangs, three eyes, and four arms on each side of his body. He was big and ugly and he sat in a wooden chair that looked like it was about to collapse under his weight.  
  
Big Red looked up from the book he was reading. "Hello there," he said, politely. "You must be Spike."  
  
"That's right. Who are you?"  
  
"I'm K'larichevly K'ularite. My friends call me Karl. I'm here to -- "  
  
"Wait! Let me guess. You watch the gate and if I want to get through I need to pay a toll. Am I getting this right?" He nodded. "What's the toll?"  
  
"That depends, what have you got?"  
  
"What you see is what you get, Karl." I held my arms out. "This is all I've got." He looked unimpressed. It was time to get mean again. "So why don't you let me through before you make me get tough and hurt you." I did my best to look menacing but it didn't feel right without the duster.  
  
His laughter echoed through the tunnel. He dropped his book and hugged his sides as he laughed harder. I leaned back against the tunnel wall and waited for his apparent hysteria to subside. Being the Big Bad just didn't seem to generate the same respect anymore. First Picasso, back in the cave, and now Karl. Eventually his laughter tapered off and he wiped tears away from his three eyes.  
  
"Oh, oh Spike. That was funny. You force me . . . " He started up again. After a couple of minutes he got himself back under control. "Oh my." He wiped away more tears. "I haven't laughed that hard in at least a millennium."  
  
"What's so funny?" I asked, irritated. "I am evil, you know. Why do some people have such a hard time remembering that?"  
  
"Oh, yeah. You're real evil," he said, sarcasm obvious. He got up from his chair and walked over to the gate. "Here. Go on through. Your entertainment value is enough to pay your toll." He opened the gate and turned to me.  
  
I pushed away from the wall, surprised. "You're just going to let me through?'  
  
"Sure."  
  
"That's awfully nice of you." Something was not right here. "Can you do that? What with you being a demon and all?"  
  
He gave me a small smile. "Do you think just because I'm a demon I have to be mean? I can't do something nice?"  
  
"No! No, you can't. You're a demon. Demons are evil. We're evil." I couldn't believe I had to explain this to him. "Ask anyone. We don't do nice things. Unless it's for each other and that usually includes making a gift of someone's liver."  
  
"I get it. So all demons are evil, horrible creatures who can't do a bit of good?"  
  
"That's right."  
  
"And I guess that means that all humans are shining good creatures without a hint of darkness to them. Right?"  
  
"Well, no but . . ."  
  
"Boy, have you got a lot to learn." He shook his head. "You better get to it." I didn't move; there had to be catch. He sighed. "You have a choice here, Spike. Either accept the fact that not all demons are evil and walk through the gate. Or cling to your beliefs and stay here." He rolled his eyes when I didn't move. "Or, if it makes you feel better, I can take your head as the toll. That's evil enough. Would that make you happy?"  
  
"Er . . . no. No thanks." I walked towards the gate. "That's ok. I'll just be on my way then. Thanks for the whole being nice thing. 'preciate it, mate." I slipped through the gate, watching him the whole time. The minute I was through he slammed it shut behind me and walked back to his chair.  
  
As he sat down and picked up his book I could hear him muttering to himself. "What a child. I swear, kids these days . . . Demon evil, human good. Talk about small minds . . ."  
  
*****  
  
I thought about what Karl had said as I continued down the tunnel. Life was so much better when everything was black and white. I missed the good old days, with its easy answers. As I walked I kept on expecting to come upon another gate behind each curve but after a while that got old and I stopped expecting anything. Of course, just as I stopped expecting it, I rounded a curve and came upon the third gate.  
  
There was a young woman sitting in front of this one. She sat in a rocking chair and was working on a piece of embroidery. She was dressed like one of the women who had been in my circle when I was still alive, in a long gown with a tight bodice and a high collar. She was beautiful with brown, upswept hair and large eyes. She kind of reminded me of . . .  
  
She looked up at the sound of my approach. "Hello there. You must be William." She spoke with an upper class British accent.  
  
"I'm not William," I said gruffly. "Name's Spike." Who did she remind me of?  
  
"Sorry, my mistake." She gave me a polite smile and returned to her embroidery.  
  
I stared at her for a few minutes, waiting for her to look at me again but she acted like I wasn't even there. This could take a while.  
  
"Fine." I sighed. "I'm William. Does that make you happy?"  
  
She laid the embroidery down in her lap and smiled up at me. "Yes it does. It's a pleasure to meet you William. What can I do for you?"  
  
"You can let me through the gate."  
  
"I'm sorry. Am I in your way? Please go on through." She smiled up at me.  
  
"It's locked. Don't you have to unlock it or something?" I waved my hand in her direction. "Collect a toll?"  
  
"A toll? Goodness. Do I look like a common laborer to you?" She said, insulted. "I assure you I do not collect tolls of any sort. Such things are not befitting a lady of my stature and position."  
  
"Of course not. I do beg your pardon. I meant no insult." I felt myself falling into old habits. This had to stop. I had left that pathetic loser behind years ago and I wasn't interested in going back. On the other hand, I needed to keep going and that meant dealing with Little Miss Muffet. "If I might inquire?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You wouldn't happen to know how I could get through the gate, would you? You see, I have to get to a meeting and I would hate to be late. Any assistance you could provide would be greatly appreciated."  
  
Her brow wrinkled prettily as she gave the matter some thought. "Well . . . I suppose I could tell you what the last gentleman did to get through. Would that help?" She blinked up at me.  
  
I gritted my teeth. Gads. "Yes. Yes, that would be very helpful. What did the previous chap do?"  
  
"Well, he was a poet. He composed a lovely poem for me and got down on bended knee to recite it. It was quite romantic, if you see what I mean."  
  
"Arrrgghhh!" I swung around and slammed my fist into the tunnel wall. I knew it. I knew this was going to be bad. The minute I saw her I got the worst feeling in my stomach.  
  
"Oh!"  
  
I turned around at her cry. She had shrunk back into her chair and was staring at me with a combination of disapproval and fright. "Sir! There is no call for such unbecoming behavior." She sat up straight and looked at me with distaste. "If you cannot behave like a gentleman then I demand that you leave my presence at once. I'll not associate with those who do not measure up!"  
  
I took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of my nose in an effort to calm myself. This wasn't going well. Time to play the git. "Once again, I do beg your pardon, my lady. I hope my oafishness has not been too offsetting. I was just startled, you see, by the fact that others have made the same journey as I hope to complete. I ask that you give me another chance."  
  
She relaxed just a bit. "Very well," she said, mollified. "But you are going to have to try very hard to impress me to make you for your previous behavior." She brightened up a bit. "Perhaps a bit of love poetry . . . "  
  
"You want me to compose a poem for you? And then kneel at your feet and recite it?" I asked in disbelief. No way in hell was I doing that. "Sorry luv. Not gonna happen."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I'm a vampire, not some bloody poet. I don't do those kinds of things anymore . . . ever. I mean ever. I don't do those kinds of things ever."  
  
"What's stopping you? Your pride?" She sniffed.  
  
"That's right. My pride. I won't let it be trampled for your entertainment." Again. "Besides, I prefer to think of it as stoicism, not pride. The birds like that, you know. They go for the impassive types." I thumped myself on the chest. "Like me."  
  
She looked at me in disbelief. Poetry it was then.  
  
I leaned back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling, hoping for inspiration. So what kind of poetry did evil vampires compose? I gave it some thought and then –  
  
There was once a git name Xander  
  
Who liked to spread around slander  
  
I ripped out his lungs  
  
And made him swallow his tongue  
  
And we all lived happily ever –  
  
"My word!"  
  
Ummm . . . maybe not. The sound of her horrified voice caught my attention and I looked over to find her staring at me. Almost as if she could read my mind.  
  
The look of horror on her face stirred an old memory. I looked away and when I turned back she had returned to her embroidery. I sighed. It was no good; I knew that. But it was all I had. Besides, I really wasn't the stoic type. Wrong constitution.  
  
I pushed myself from the wall and walked towards her. She looked up as I neared. Her eyes grew even bigger as she watched me fall to my knees in front of her. I reached for one of her hands and aimed my most soulful look at her.  
  
"My heart expands.  
  
'tis grown a bulge in't  
  
inspired by  
  
your beauty effulgent."  
  
"Oh." She blinked a few times. "Oh my, that was . . . that was . . ."  
  
I held my breath while I waited for her verdict. I can't believe it mattered but apparently it did. Wanker.  
  
"That was beautiful." She smiled down at me. "Simply wonderful. I'm honored that I was able to inspire such brilliance from you."  
  
"Thank you." I smiled back at her and stood up. "Glad you enjoyed it."  
  
She stood as well and laid her embroidery hoop down on her rocking chair. "I suppose you'll want to be moving on? You've certainly earned it." She walked over to the gate taking a chain from underneath her dress. "I have the key right here on my necklace."  
  
She unlocked the gate and stood back while I opened it. I turned to look at her. "Thank you."  
  
"No, William. Thank you. Safe journey." She waved me off as the gate shut behind me. Whoever thought the old poet could be useful? Maybe he hadn't been so bad after all.  
  
*****  
  
Not too much time passed before I heard voices, a man and a woman, arguing. As I got closer the voices became more distinct and I realized they sounded a bit familiar but I couldn't place them. I decided, for once, to proceed cautiously until I could figure things out.  
  
I stuck my head around the corner and then quickly pulled it back. Bloody hell! Or perhaps it was just Hell period. It had to be. Because only in Hell would I come upon Xander and Harmony playing Ping-Pong.  
  
I could hear them quite clearly now.  
  
"Ow! What did you do that for?"  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"You hit me with the ball."  
  
"No, I didn't."  
  
"Yes, you did."  
  
"No, I didn't."  
  
"Xander Harris, you know very well you did. And you probably did it on purpose too!"  
  
"Harmony Kendall," he mimicked. "You know very well I didn't. Besides, you're a vampire. Aren't you supposed to move with super speed? Why didn't you get out of the way?"  
  
"That's Master Vampire to you, buddy. Say it!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Say it."  
  
"No."  
  
"Say . . ."  
  
Damn. I couldn't do this. I was going to have to quit. There was no way I was going to survive those two numbskulls and since they had to set up their Ping-Pong table in front of the gate I couldn't sneak around them. I turned around to walk back the way I had come and made it about a half a dozen steps before I ran into a wall. The tunnel had become one-way. The only open space was the one heading towards the Wonder twins; the other three sides were solid rock.  
  
"Oh, right. Isn't that just ducky? Not too subtle, mind you, but effective." I looked up at the ceiling. "Ok, mate. I get it. No going back. Nice little lesson there. Thanks a lot."  
  
Silence greeted my little fit until a voice broke it. "Did you hear that? Sounded like someone's in the tunnel. Talking to himself. Why would anyone want to do that?"  
  
"Beat's talking to you, " Xander said. The git had a point. Unfortunately, someone had decided I had no choice; the only way was forward.  
  
"Hey! Hey, you there!" Xander yelled. "Come on out. We know you're out there. Don't make us hurt you."  
  
"Oh please. Like you even could." I swear I could hear Harmony's eyes rolling around in her head. "What are going to do? Hit him with your Ping- Pong paddle? Leave a nasty waffle imprint on his skin?"  
  
"Would you just --" He broke off. "Whoever is out there doesn't know we don't have any weapons. Besides, I've had military training. I happen to be an expert at hand-to-hand combat."  
  
"You have not had military training! Your fevered little brain thought you were a soldier for, like, an hour. That doesn't count. If it's anything bad, just stay out of my way. I'm a vampire, remember? I can handle it."  
  
"Oh -- what? You gonna pull his hair? That's real scary!"  
  
"Worked with you, didn't it?"  
  
"Did not."  
  
"Did too."  
  
"Did . . ."  
  
Yep. This was Hell. Since I couldn't go back I might as well go forward and deal with it. It was either that or stay in the tunnel for eternity listening to Xander and Harmony yapping.  
  
"Would you two shut your gobs!" I came around the corner.  
  
"Spike!" Xander yelped my name in that annoying way of his.  
  
"Blondie Bear!" Xander shot her a look. "I mean . . . Spike!"  
  
"Quick! Somebody stake him. He's evil." Xander looked around like he was expecting to see someone other than Harmony or myself. "Never mind -- I'll do it myself."  
  
He ran towards me, aiming for my heart. I grabbed him when he was within six inches and looked at his hand. "Gonna take me out with a Ping-Pong paddle, are you? Not a very good way to go. I think I'll pass, if you don't mind." I grabbed the paddle from his hand and threw it into the tunnel behind me.  
  
Xander pulled his hand loose and ran back behind the Ping-Pong table as Harmony began to saunter towards me. Looked like it was her turn.  
  
"Spike. Spike. Spike."  
  
"Harmony. Harmony. Harmony."  
  
"What?" She asked, stopping her forward progress.  
  
"What what?"  
  
"You said my name. So I'm saying what - did you want something?"  
  
I sighed. This was going to be fun. "Actually, I was hoping to get through the gate. Need to see a man about a chip. Care to let me pass?" I approached her, smiling seductively. "You know, for old times sake."  
  
"Sure, you can pass. But it's going to cost you. I'm not cheap. At least not anymore."  
  
"C'mon, sugar plum. You can let me pass, can't you? A favor for an old friend?" I traced a finger down her arm and watched her melt.  
  
"Well, maybe just this once --- No!" She pulled back. "No, Spike. I'm not going to let you sweet-talk me again. I have a job to do and I'm going to do it."  
  
"A job?" I asked.  
  
"Sure. Girl's got to make an unliving, doesn't she? I thought about maybe opening my own detective agency, you know, helping the helpless and stuff," she paused. "But that didn't work out so well. So when they offered me this job I said sure, why not? Money's good." She smiled. "They give out bonuses and stuff. My review is coming up." She bounced up and down a few times. "I'm hoping they'll give me a raise. Or else let me eat Xander. Either one is fine."  
  
"Hey!" Monkey boy was still hiding behind the Ping-Pong table.  
  
"Shut up!" Harm and I both said at the same time. We shared a smile. I forget, why did I ever get rid of her?  
  
"So pay up, Spikey." She brightened. "Do you have something pretty for me? Or . . . or a unicorn. Did you bring any unicorns?" She looked past me into the tunnel.  
  
Oh yeah, that's right. She's an irritating bint. That's why I got rid of her.  
  
"Nope. Sorry. Left the unicorns in my other coat." I pointed to the gate. "Any other ideas about how to get through?"  
  
"Hmmm." Harmony folded her arms and tapped a finger to her chin, thinking. Evidently it didn't work because she dropped her arms. "Let me consult with my associate. Give us a moment please."  
  
She walked over to Xander and the two began talking in low voices. Within a minute they were arguing in low voices. A minute after that they were just plain arguing. Finally they reached some sort of agreement and walked around the table until they were in front of me.  
  
"We've discussed your little problem, Spike," Xander said. "And we've agreed to let you pass. But it's going to cost you."  
  
"I figured as much. What's the price? And mind you, I'm fresh out of poetry."  
  
"Well, you see, Spike, we have some issues with you." Harmony pointed to herself and Xander. "And before we let you pass we thought this might be a good time to work them out."  
  
"Harm . . . have you been reading those self-help books again?" I asked.  
  
"Yes. Yes, I have. And I've learned a lot. You were really mean to me Spike. I loved you and you didn't even care." She had obviously been saving up. "I gave you everything I had and you gave me nothing in return. But I've been doing some reading and I've realized I deserve better. I may not be perfect but I deserve to be treated with respect." She put her hands on her hips. "Do you have any idea what it feels like to love someone with all your heart? To give that person everything you have? To know that no matter how strong your feelings the other person doesn't feel the same way? Do you know how that feels, Spike? Do you?"  
  
I looked at Harmony and a strange feeling came over me. I had always thought of her as more of a toy, something I could take out when I was looking for a distraction and then ignore the rest of the time. I suddenly realized that I could identify with what she had been through. And I knew how much it hurt to be treated that way.  
  
I looked her in the eye. "I'm sorry Harmony. You deserved better than I gave you. I didn't love you and you deserve to be loved." I finally got it.  
  
She stared at me in silence. I had actually shocked Harmony speechless. She blinked to clear the tears I could see pooling in her eyes. She gave me a short nod. "Thanks Spike." She turned and walked over to the gate.  
  
I tore my eyes away from Harmony to see Xander staring at me and all the resentment came rushing back. Here he was, the little self-righteous, I'm- better-than-you whelp, in all his glory. I glared at him and he glared right back at me.  
  
"You may be able to charm Harmony but it won't work with me." He said. "She doesn't know any better. But I know exactly what you are and I won't ever forget."  
  
"No, you won't. And you won't let me forget either, will you?" I started to pace. I knew I needed his help but months of frustration suddenly came bubbling up. "I've been your ally. I've fought side by side with you and saved your life, more than once. And yet you look at me and you don't see any of that, do you? You see an evil, soulless thing. Something that can't change. Something that deserves to be killed." I stopped and pointed at him. "What makes you think you know me? You don't know anything about me and you never have!"  
  
"I know all I need to know," he said. "You're a vampire, Spike. We kill vampires. You . . . they are evil things and they need to be killed!" He talked to me like he would a difficult child.  
  
"Then why don't you kill Angel? He's a vampire. Why don't you go to L.A. and kill the Special One? Hell, I'll give you a ride!"  
  
"I've thought about it. Don't think I haven't. But Angel's different. He's a demon but he has a soul."  
  
"And that's all it takes for you? Give a bloke a soul and everything is keen again? You think that makes him a saint? Is that it?"  
  
"No. But it's a start. And it's more than you have."  
  
I gripped the back of my neck, trying to figure out how to convince him. "But what if I want to do good? Does that count? I've tried you know." I started to pace again. "I've fought the 'good fight' for months now. Tried to be what she needed. Thought about doing the right thing. But you've never cared. So I don't have a soul, just this bloody chip in my head. Does that mean my efforts to do good should just be ignored?"  
  
"You can't choose to do good, Spike! You don't have a soul; you don't have the strength to make such a choice."  
  
"Yes I do!"  
  
"No!" He yelled. "No, you don't. You're a vampire. You can't be good, no matter how much you might think you can. Vampires can't be good. They have no chance. If they did then - " He cut himself off.  
  
"If they did - what? What? Would your world come to a crashing end? What would happen if they did have such a chance?"  
  
"They don't!"  
  
"They do!" We were both yelling now. "What would happen if they had a chance?"  
  
"Nothing! It can't happen!" He started to turn away and I grabbed him.  
  
"Don't walk away from me." I was on to something. "You started this. Not me. Answer the question. What would happen?" I started to shake him. "Answer me! If I could be good? If I had a chance? What would it mean?"  
  
"It would mean that I murdered Jesse!" He tore himself away from me.  
  
Jesse? Who the hell was Jesse?  
  
"Who?' I asked.  
  
Xander retreated to the end of the table, ignoring me.  
  
"Jesse was his best friend," Harmony said. I had forgotten she was there. "Shortly after Buffy came to town, Jesse was kidnapped by the Master's minions. They vamped him. There was a big fight at the Bronze. Xander had a stake and Jesse was pushed onto it. He went poof."  
  
"I killed him. He was my best friend. But those monsters came and they took him and killed him. And then I had to kill him again."  
  
I watched as Xander struggled with his story.  
  
"He wasn't my friend anymore. He was a monster in my friend's body. He was doomed. Do you understand?" He looked up. "Doomed." He walked back to me. "I didn't mean to kill him but the fact that I did was a favor. The Jesse I knew wouldn't have wanted to be what he had become. I didn't kill my friend. I killed a monster. A monster that could never be my friend again."  
  
I stared at him in silence, finally understanding. Xander had to believe that vampires were evil, soulless creatures with no hope of changing. He had to believe that we had no free will, that we were doomed to be evil forever. Because if Jesse had a chance to change and Xander took that chance away from him, then he really did kill him. And the whelp couldn't handle that.  
  
I took a deep breath. Suddenly Xander's resentment of me and his deliberate ignorance of my actions made sense. And once I understood what motivated him I couldn't resent his behavior quite so much. It still made me angry. And I wished he would get over it. But I also realized that he wasn't ready to have his world-view shattered. And we weren't going to be able to fix this.  
  
Of course, I still had to figure out how to get him to open the gate.  
  
I looked at Harmony, hoping that she might be able to help. She just shrugged at me. The she smiled.  
  
"Xander!" She broke the silence that had fallen after his revelation.  
  
He sighed in resignation. "What?"  
  
"Wanna play Ping-Pong?"  
  
"Sure, why not?" He walked over to his side of the table. "Hey, wait a minute. I don't have a paddle." He looked at me. "Give me back my paddle, dead boy."  
  
"Make me." I smirked and curled my tongue around my teeth. "Bug-eater." I may have understood his bullheadedness but that didn't mean I had to like him. He was still a right wanker.  
  
He walked towards me and started to go into the tunnel to retrieve his paddle. I blocked his way. He tried to go the other way and once again I blocked him.  
  
We danced for a couple of minutes, Xander getting more frustrated and me having more fun.  
  
"Dammit, I want my paddle! Get out of my way!"  
  
"Tell you what mate, you open that gate over there," I pointed. "I'll get out of here, be on my way, and you'll be able to get your paddle."  
  
He glared at me. "You promise you'll go?"  
  
"Cross my heart." I gave him my most solemn look. Like I wanted to stick around here.  
  
"Fine." He walked towards the gate. He and Harmony took out their keys and opened it.  
  
Xander slammed the gate shut as soon as I passed. "Good riddance evil dead." He left to go get his paddle.  
  
Harmony laid a hand on the gate. "Good luck."  
  
"Thanks, luv. Bye." I began to walk away, wincing when I heard her reply.  
  
"Bye Boo-boo."  
  
*****  
  
As I continued down the tunnel my thoughts turned to the confrontation with Harmony and Xander. I had gotten through the gate, but at what cost? I was left with all these fluffy-type feelings and I didn't like it. I hoped I was almost done. I was getting tired of all the introspection. Really wasn't my cuppa -- I was in the mood for some action.  
  
"Action is his reward."  
  
I looked up at the sound of the voice and saw another gate in front of me. This one had appeared out of nowhere, no rounding of corners needed. There was a school desk sitting in front of it and, sitting at the desk, a young girl. She had straight blonde hair and looked to be about ten years old.  
  
"Action is whose reward?" I asked.  
  
"Why the hero's, of course." She looked at me. "Are you a hero?"  
  
"I'm a vampire -- nothing heroic in that, luv."  
  
"Heroism is not about being but about doing. So I ask again, are you a hero?"  
  
"I can't be a hero. Heroes are all about good and self-sacrifice. I'm about neither. I'm the Big Bad. A dark warrior, remember? Grr! Argh!" I slipped into game face, raised my hands, and took a step forward.  
  
She stared at me for a minute and then started giggling. "Do it again!" She clapped her hands. "Do it again!"  
  
I put my hands down and let my game face go. "How am I supposed to be scary if you're giggling at me?" I heard myself whine.  
  
She tried to stop laughing. "I'm sorry. I can't help it. It's just you're so funny. Trying to be all bad and everything when you're not."  
  
"I am *so* bad!" I cried, insulted.  
  
"Oh, you are so not bad." She smiled at me. "My new kitty is more bad than you are. Of course, she still has her claws so that helps."  
  
"I am bad. I may be temporarily declawed but as soon as I get this chip out things are gonna change. Certain people are going to be reminded of how bad I can be."  
  
"But wouldn't you like to try something new?" She shrugged and continued on without waiting for my reply. "Oh well. I guess that's something you'll have to figure out for yourself. Good luck."  
  
"Gee thanks." I said, my sarcasm obvious. "In the meantime, any suggestions on how to get through the gate? How many are there, by the way?"  
  
"This is the last one." That was good news. The trip to Africa had been rough and I had been walking for hours. I was exhausted and I was getting hungry. Hopefully I could get through, get my chip out, and grab a little someone to eat. "As for getting through," she continued, "well . . . only a certain type of person can pass."  
  
"Wait -- I know this one. Only heroes can pass, right?"  
  
She clapped her hands again. "That's right. Good job. So are you a hero?"  
  
I sighed. Looked like the meal was going to have to wait. We'd already gone through this but I obviously wasn't going to get anywhere until she got the answer she was looking for. But for some reason I couldn't bring myself to lie to her.  
  
"No. Sorry, bit. I'm not a hero. Not even close. But lately I'm not a very good Big Bad either, if that counts. I'm an evil soulless thing who can't figure out which way to go. Neither monster nor man." I laughed bitterly. "Joke's on me, eh?"  
  
"But I don't understand. Are you sure you're not a hero?"  
  
"Yeah. I'm sure." I knew what hero was and I wasn't it.  
  
"Well, how did you get this far then?" She stared at me, suddenly stricken. "You didn't cheat, did you?"  
  
"Of course not! I never cheat! Well . . . maybe at cards. But not this," I said. "I didn't cheat. I passed through all the gates fair and square."  
  
"Well if you didn't cheat . . . ?" She looked at me and I shook my head no.  
  
"And you made it through all the other gates . . . ?" I nodded at her.  
  
She tilted to her head. "I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?"  
  
"Spi - " I looked at her. "William. My name is William."  
  
She smiled at me. "OK." She opened her desk and picked up a key, which she took over to the gate. It swung open at her touch.  
  
"There you go. Best be on your way, William. They're waiting for you. I hope you figure it out."  
  
"Thanks." I walked through the gate. "Wait a minute." I started to turn back around. "Who's waiting - " The gate slammed shut in my face and was immediately replaced by a wall of rock. The tunnel had shifted again and the gate and little girl were gone. "-for me?"  
  
I turned back around and began to walk. I rounded a corner and saw a light. Looked like I was reaching the end of the tunnel. I sped up, eager to finally get this over with.  
  
The tunnel opened into a huge cavern. I barely got a chance to look around when my view was blocked. I looked up and met the gaze of another demon. This one was at least seven feet tall and covered with scaly green skin. He had snake eyes and large pointed ears. His muscular arms hung down almost to his knees and ended in seven fingers all tipped with long, sharp nails.  
  
"So, you the bloke in charge here, then? I made it. Time for you to pay up. Get rid of my little problem." He just stared at me. "Hey now. No welching." Got a date with a bitch, I do. "I made it through all your tests, didn't I? I'm all done."  
  
"Done?" The demon said in a deep, gravelly voice. "I beg to differ, little man. You've only just begun."  
  
"Who you calling little? And what do you mean, I've only just - " My words were suddenly cut off. I sensed his movement but he was too quick for my eyes to follow and next thing I knew I felt pain.  
  
I looked down at my chest, saw a big hole and then looked at his hand. It was holding a heart.  
  
"Hey! That's my heart!" I yelled. "Give it back! It's mine!"  
  
I saw the demon hold up my heart and open his mouth in a wide smile, teeth gleaming. And then everything went black.  
  
TBC 


	2. Day 2

1 Day 2  
  
"Would you damn your precious soul?" - Francois Rabelais  
  
*****  
  
"C'mon Sleeping Beauty. Wakie, wakie." The voice penetrated my consciousness, sounding like it started far off and was closing in fast. "Spike. Oh, Spike. Time to wake up. Don't be a layabout." I continued to ignore the voice but it was getting harder. "That's it." The voice became stern. "Time to get up, boy. *Now*." The order was followed by a swift kick to my stomach.  
  
Only one person had ever awakened me that way. I jerked up and opened my eyes to find myself face to face with Angelus.  
  
"Oh, balls!"  
  
"Good evening to you too." He looked down at me. "I thought you were going to sleep the night away and what fun would that be?"  
  
I struggled to my feet. I felt really sluggish and weak and was having trouble standing but I managed to stay upright. Okay, so I swayed a bit. "What's wrong with me?"  
  
Angelus slapped me on the shoulder, all good-natured bonhomie, and almost knocked me back down. "The better question might be -- what isn't wrong with you? You have managed to muck things up but good, haven't you?"  
  
Memories came rushing back and I remembered my last encounter with the demon in the cavern. I looked down and saw where my T-shirt had been ripped open. The hole in my chest was still there . . . and I was still minus a heart.  
  
"Ok -- where's my heart?"  
  
"Oh, you don't want that." Angelus waved the question away. "Just think about all the trouble it's given you lately. Mooning around. Working with others. Falling in love." He paused. "Making you feel. Trust me, you're much better off without it. Of course, without it you'll end up as weak as a kitten and eventually die -- but at least your problems will be over."  
  
I looked around in the hopes of finding a spare body part or two. The cavern was huge and decked out like a banquet hall. The walls were draped in red and gold bunting and I spotted two archways, one behind me and the other across the room. Both entrances were guarded by snake demons. On my side of the room several long tables were set up, around which several demons sat and ate. It was a raucous crowd, all drinking and laughing. I could hear bits and pieces of conversation.  
  
". . . so he says 'Better to reign in Hell then serve in Heaven' and I'm all "Well, duh!'. . ."  
  
". . . he's in the corner, crying for his fiddle, and I'm just laughing my heads off!"  
  
"She tells me that she'll see me in hell and all I can say is 'You betcha, baby . . ."  
  
Translucent servants flitted about between the tables, dispensing a seemingly endless supply of food and drink. The servants weren't demons; they appeared to be ghosts, their trays and cups floating before them as they moved.  
  
In front of the tables was a large seating area covered with rugs and lush pillows. All sorts of creatures lounged about. Set in the center of the room, between the tables and the pillows, was a platform on which a hangman's gibbet stood. Only instead of ropes hanging down, there were chains.  
  
Finally, near the other entrance, was a stage with three gold thrones. At the edge of the stage sat a small gold pedestal; there was something on top of it but from this distance it was hard to tell what.  
  
All together it looked like a cross between some Roman orgy and one of those fervid paintings done by tortured religious types several hundred years ago. Not too reassuring.  
  
Angelus had remained quiet while I took in my surroundings. I turned to see him watching me, a cruel smile on his face.  
  
"So, mate, what's the story, then?" I asked, wary. "Gonna throw me to the lions?"  
  
"Not as yet, no." He looked at me, considering. "But the night is still young."  
  
I took a good look at him. "So when did you become all soul-losing again?" I gestured to the pillows. "Enjoy the bacchanal a bit too much?" I asked with false sympathy.  
  
He looked at them. "Sadly, no." He looked back at me. "I managed to break that leash all on my own." He paused. "Just out of curiosity, how did you know about the soul? Is it really that obvious?"  
  
"Yeah." I looked at his clothes. He was wearing a black silk shirt with black leather pants. "Besides, you're wearing The Leather Pants of Evil." I deadpanned. "Always a bad sign. You should try to be a little less predictable, Angelus, old man."  
  
"Very funny, boy." He slapped me on the back again. Hard enough to knock me to the ground.  
  
I dragged myself back up. What was wrong with me? This being weak was getting old. Time to get on to business and get out of here.  
  
"So, what's the plan here?" I asked. "I made it this far – time to get the soddin' chip out. You here to take me the man who can do it?"  
  
"Is that what you think you're here for? To get the chip out?" He started laughing.  
  
"Of course, that's why I'm here. We had a deal. I get through his little trials and he takes out the chip." I paused, thinking. "Have to say, wasn't as bad as I thought. Turns out the bloke's a bit of a braggart. But I made it." I poked him in the chest. "Time for your side to pay up!"  
  
"Spike, Spike, Spike," Angelus sighed. "You just don't get it, do you?"  
  
"What are you saying? You welching? We had a deal!"  
  
"And so far you have failed to hold up your part of the bargain. All that other stuff was just the warm-up act." He waved his arm towards all the demons. "Why do you think they're all here? For the food? They're here for the show. And it's up to you to provide the entertainment." He thumped me in the chest, pain radiating out from my wound. "Hope you're worth the trouble."  
  
"What are you planning on doing?" I looked around at all the partying demons. Something was definitely off. "What the bloody hell is going on here?"  
  
"Wonderful, wonderful things are going on. The dead are rioting, taking different sides."  
  
I turned around to see Drusilla approaching and rolled my eyes. "Oh well, isn't that just peachy. You too, Dru? With Angelus, no less. Sometimes I wonder why I ever tried." I shook off the old taste of bitterness at seeing them together -- it wouldn't help me now. "Are you going to help? Care to give me a clue? You know, for an old friend."  
  
"You were going to kill me." She wagged her finger at me. "Fickle, fickle boy."  
  
"Oh right, I'm the fickle one, am I?" I said, sarcastically. "And you, pet, are the very model of constancy."  
  
"I am. The stars tell me what to do."  
  
"We're in a cave, Dru. You can't see the stars."  
  
"I can. I can feel the whispering to my heart, if I really try. And they always lead me home." She looked at me. "They would lead you home, too, Spike. If only you would let them."  
  
I watched her walk over to Angelus and lay her head on his shoulder. I guess he was her home now. I had to admire her certainty; at least she knew where she belonged. And, my initial shock at seeing them aside, it didn't hurt nearly as much as it used too. The question now was -- where was my home? And what would lead me there?  
  
A subtle motion caught my eye. Turning my head, I saw one of the ghostly servants drifting closer. There was something familiar . . . I couldn't quite place it. Suddenly Angelus grabbed my arm, disrupting my thoughts.  
  
"Spike. Pay attention. Big things are happening. I'd hate to think you missed all the excitement because you were daydreaming."  
  
Drusilla had spun away and was swaying behind him to a tune only she could hear. Resigned, I looked at Angelus. "Right. Let's have a lesson then."  
  
Angelus crossed his arms and rocked back on his heels, looking at me. "Ok, here's the deal. Everything is all messed up -- thanks to you. Your recent behavior – " He shook his head sadly. " -- pitiful really. I'd feel sorry for you if pity weren't so treasonous." He reached out and punched me in the shoulder. "If you'd done what you were supposed to do we wouldn't be in the situation now but you . . . you just had to be different, didn't you? And now the rest of us have to deal with the results of your screw-ups."  
  
"How'd I screw up? I got here, didn't I?"  
  
"Oh, you screwed up a long time ago. You're a vampire, Spike! When did you let yourself forget that?" He asked, scornfully. "When did you think it was a good idea to stop being a demon?"  
  
"I never forgot!"  
  
"You did! You forgot what you were and you changed. Talk about being a bad demon – what were you thinking?"  
  
"It wasn't me!" It couldn't be me. "It was that damn chip! They fixed me but good. They made me like this. Made me feel. Made me love." I said, bitterly. "But I want it to be over. To make it all stop. I want it out!" I yelled. "Why the hell do you think I'm here? I want to be a good demon again."  
  
Drusilla looked at me. "And you think you can be? If you get that little piece of plastic out? All's well that ends well?"  
  
"Yes! Yes, it's the chip that makes me this way. It's caused me nothing but trouble. Get it out and everything can go back to the way it was! Do it!"  
  
Angelus and Dru exchanged a look and then turned back to me. Dru approached, laughing softly. She cupped my cheek with her hand and then, before I could react, dug her nails into my skin and dragged them down my face, drawing blood. I started to move to defend myself but Angelus was on me, aiming a brutal punch right where my heart used to be. I was weak and hurt and no match from the two of them. The last thing I saw before I passed out was the madness shining in Drusilla's eyes.  
  
*****  
  
I woke to *pain*. I opened my swollen eyes to see Drusilla standing in front of me, tracing designs into my chest with her nails. Blood ran down my body in lazy rivulets and I realized I was not exactly standing. I lifted my head and looked around. "Well, isn't this just ducky."  
  
I was up on the platform I had seen earlier, suspended from the gibbet by chains wrapped tightly around my wrists. Judging by the pain and stiffness of my arms, I must have been that way for a while. I was a bit closer to the stage now and was able to see what was sitting on the pedestal -- a heart. Presumably mine. I was relieved to see Toothy hadn't eaten it but was worried about my increasing weakness and the long-term effects of being without it. How were they keeping my alive without it and for how long?  
  
I looked down at Drusilla, who had just started carving a new masterpiece into my chest.  
  
"Dru." She stopped what she was doing. "Drusilla." She looked up at me, licking her fingers. "Pet, want to help me out here?"  
  
She cocked her head, thinking. "No. I don't think so."  
  
"Please, pet. Maybe loosen the chains a bit?"  
  
She stood on her toes and lifted one finger to tap against my forehead. "Tap, tap, tap. Wherever did my shining knight go?'  
  
"I'm right here, Dru. Help me down, will you, luv? Or at least bring me back my heart."  
  
"Why? You don't need it. It's caused you nothing but trouble. Made all sorts of awful things happen, isn't that right?" She laid a hand against my cheek. "Dear boy, you are so much better without it. Isn't that what you've said?"  
  
"No -- I need it. I can't li – " I broke off as coughs wracked my body. If I had needed to breath I would have said I was short of breathe. But that wasn't it. Something else was wrong.  
  
"Poor Spike. Would you like something to eat? Something to make you feel a bit better?"  
  
She walked to one of the tables, snatched up something, and came back, hiding her hands – and the object -- behind her. When she reached me she pulled out a plump red fruit. With one hard twist she tore it open and held it up to my face.  
  
"Would you like something to eat, dearie?" She offered. "A nice bite of pomegranate perhaps?  
  
I pulled my head back away from the fruit. "No thanks, Dru. I'm familiar with the story. Don't fancy spending half my time down here with the likes of Angelus. I'll pass."  
  
"You sure you won't taste?" She shoved it into my face, pushing my head back.  
  
"I'm sure."  
  
"Okay." She shrugged and tossed the mangled fruit over her shoulder. She walked away and joined Angelus, who was reclining against one of the pillows.  
  
I watched as she wrapped herself around him and he played with her hair. "Well, don't you two make a lovely couple."  
  
"I always have better luck with the women you love, Spike." Angelus said. "You should know that by now." They began kissing in earnest and I turned away. Wasn't interested in playing Peeping Tom.  
  
One of the ghostly servants began to drift towards me – the same one I had noticed earlier. Something about it tugged at my memory but it was surrounded by a fuzzy aura of sorts so I couldn't get a real good look. As it got closer I could see it was a young woman.  
  
I looked around. Angelus and Dru were busy and no one else was paying any attention to me. "Pssst! Hey there," I whispered, hoping to get her attention. "Can you help me?"  
  
She stopped in front of me, head down. "No. But I can help you help yourself." She lifted her head and looked me in the eye. Now that she was in front of me I could see her clearly. I felt a stab of sadness as I recognized her  
  
"Tara."  
  
She smiled. "Hello, Spike."  
  
"Pet, what are you doing here?" I asked, shocked at seeing her. "You don't belong in a place like this."  
  
"None of us do." She gestured to the other servants. "But here we are. We got lost."  
  
"But why are you a ghost? You're not dead, you're – " I broke off as I noticed the hole in her chest and the realization struck me. Shot. Through the heart. Damn.  
  
"Aw, kitten. I'm so sorry."  
  
"Yeah, me too. But there's not much I can do about it now."  
  
"You don't belong here." Tara, of all people, shouldn't be here. "You should be somewhere better. Somewhere good."  
  
"We all should. I've tried to escape but I can't do it. There's no way out."  
  
"Sure there is. You just haven't figured it out yet. Have you talked to any of the others?" She shook her head. "Leave it to me." I said, confidently. "I'll get you out of here." I looked at the other servants moving around the room; they were all trapped here. "I'll get you all out." What was I saying?  
  
"Uh, Spike . . .?" She looked at the way I hung from the chains. "I don't think you're in the position to get *anyone* out of here. Besides, why would you? You're here to get your chip out, remember? You don't want to care about humans anymore."  
  
"Well, yeah. But not you. I can still help you . . . and, you know, maybe a few others . . . and be bad." Something about that sounded off but I refused to dwell on it. "Just give me a moment. I need to get my heart back and my chip out. Then I'll think of something to help. I promi – "  
  
"Hey!" Angelus' voice interrupted us. "Get away from him."  
  
Tara drifted away as Angelus stormed over. "No fraternizing with the help, William! Not that it will do you any good anyway." He grabbed me by the back of the head and forced me to look at him.  
  
"Did you think anyone here was going to help you? Did you think anyone cares?" He lowered his voice. "You're nothing, William. *Nothing*. Nobody cares about you." He gave me a cruel smile. "You're a traitor to your own kind. The people who you thought might be your friends can't stand the sight of you. And the woman you love hates you!" He smirked. "You're so interested in talking -- what do you have to say to that?"  
  
"Sod off."  
  
He released my hair and took a step back. "You're less than nothing. You might as well not even have existed. And when you're gone, no one will even notice. And don't you ever forget it." He backhanded me casually, re- opening the scratches Drusilla had given me earlier.  
  
He looked me up and down. "You're a lousy monster. And you were never any good as a man." He started to walk around me, swatting me absentmindedly whenever he got too close, like a cat playing with a mouse. "You think if you get the chip out things will be all better? Think you can go back to what you were before? Have you forgotten how pathetic you were? Mooning around over Drusilla. Caught up in petty little schemes." He taunted me. *You're* the problem, William. You always failed. Always."  
  
I stared at him defiantly. "I beat you, didn't I?"  
  
"You mean Acathla?" He pushed me so that I was swinging from the chains. He was playing with me now. I recognized the signs; I'd seen him in action plenty of times. "Knocked out your girlfriend and left me to be beat up by a girl, hoping she'd win. Kinda sad, don't ya think?" He said, mockingly. "That little girl did what you never could." He shook his head. "And afterwards . . . well things worked out so well for you, didn't they? All the trouble you went to and Dru still dumped you. Not monster enough for her."  
  
He grabbed me by the chin, stopping the swinging motion. "Face it, Sit-n- Spin, you're a failure. You were lousy as a monster. Chip or no chip. You were never what you should have been. Is that what you want to go back too? You think you were some sort of prize?" He let go of my chin and took a step back.  
  
"You don't know what you're talking about." I growled at him.  
  
"Oh, I think I do." He smiled. "How could you possibly hope to ever be more? You don't even have a soul."  
  
"Don't need a bloody soul. I can do good without it." What was I talking about? I didn't come here so I could do good. I came so I could be bad again.  
  
"You can't do good, Spike. You don't have it in you. There is nothing good or clean in you." I couldn't help wincing at that. He always knew were to aim his barbs for the most damage. "Without a soul none of what you feel or do it real. None of it is real."  
  
"It is so real!" I yelled. "I know what feelings are, damn you. And I know what I feel. Even without a soul, I know." His words were starting to get to me. "Besides, from what I hear, your precious soul hasn't exactly turned you into a paragon. You may be pretty bad without it but, word has it, you can still be pretty monstrous with it."  
  
"You know nothing! She could never love you. Certainly never trust you. You've proved that yourself." He looked at me contemptuously. "Did you think you could be a man for her? That she would forget what you really were? Did you think you could replace *me*? Did you think she would *love* you?" He laughed. "If so, then you really are pathetic."  
  
"No."  
  
He paused. "No what?"  
  
"No." I swallowed. "I didn't think she would love me. But I had to try."  
  
"You had to try? What – you missed the comforting feeling of failure?" He drew back and hit me in the stomach and I grunted in pain. "Admit it, William." He slammed a fist into my face, breaking my nose and causing my vision to blur. "You are a failure." His punches sent me swinging and I tried to grab on to the chains to steady myself as I felt the skin on my wrists tear. "You always were." He kicked me in the ribs and I cried out as I felt several break. "And you always will be." He pushed his fist into the hole in my chest. "Even that pathetic poet was better than you are now." He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back. "Now . . . now you can't even measure up to him." He hauled back and hit me one more time, breaking the chains and throwing me into the back of the gibbet. I felt my head smack against the wood and welcomed the darkness.  
  
*****  
  
I don't know how long I was out but when I came to the gibbet had been repaired and was now on the stage. A large brazier had been placed in front of the thrones. I was much closer to my heart, for all the good it did me.  
  
Candles and torches lit the cavern but the stage was dark. Evidently they were saving me for the big production. The demons were still there but the festivities seemed to be experiencing something of a lull. Nobody paid me any attention and I hung there in the dark. Memories flitted through my mind.  
  
Niblet's voice, hurt. *How could you do that?*  
  
Buffy, disgusted. *Ask me again why I could never love you.*  
  
A vision flashed before my eyes. Buffy, beneath me, face twisted in fear and pain. Her voice as I grabbed her robe *No. Spike. Please, no!*  
  
The man in me cried how could I do such a thing while the monster raged at being denied. Why did I do it . . . Why did I stop? Guilt and rage battled within in; it wasn't supposed to be this way. There was a time when I was the baddest thing going. Life was so much easier then. Everything was so clear. Where did my certainty go?  
  
*Please! I'm hurt. Stop!*  
  
Did she do this to me? Or did it start earlier? Had I always been destined to fail? I thought I could be a man for her. If I just tried hard enough. I could do it. I couldn't be a monster anymore, but I could be a man. For her. Despair washed over me. What had made me think that was possible when I had been such a failure at it the first time around?  
  
*They call him William the Bloody on account of his bloody awful poetry.*  
  
Once I was turned I was always compared to Angelus and found lacking. Then I did something he hadn't. I killed a Slayer. And found my calling. I was determined to be the biggest monster out there. To prove myself. I was the vampire that killed Slayers while all the others ran and hid.  
  
*Baby likes to play.*  
  
Nobody could touch me. Wherever I went I ruled, with my dark princess at my side. I *was* The Big Bad.  
  
*I will make your neck my chalice and drink deep.*  
  
But then we came to Sunnydale and it all went to hell. Nothing's been right since. The Slayer, Dru, Angelus, the chip. Buffy. Rejected again and turned into everyone's punching bag. I couldn't be the monster I used to be.  
  
*You're not the Big Bad anymore. You're not even he kind of naughty. You're nothing.*  
  
I thought it was the bloody chip but I was beginning to think it started long before the soldier boys came on the scene. Where did I go wrong?  
  
*You're beneath me.*  
  
Their voices haunted me. This was it. My last ditch effort to be a man, to be loved, had proved I was worthy of neither. I was a monster. Not the kind of monster shown in movies. Not the Big Bad. Just plain monstrous. I was a failure on all counts. Should have let Xander kill me and saved us all the trouble. I hadn't been good enough and this was the price I had to pay. I gave in to hopelessness and hung from my chains, completely alone.  
  
  
  
TBC 


	3. Day 3

1 Day 3  
  
There is some soul of goodness in things evil,  
  
Would men observingly distil it out.  
  
-- William Shakespeare  
  
I don't know how long I hung there -- time had lost all meaning -- but gradually I noticed a change in the room. An army of ghostly servants materialized, clearing the tables and removing all the pillows and rugs from the floor. The mood of the room changed and the demons settled at the tables, talking quietly among themselves. I got the feeling that something was about to happen.  
  
"Spike! Spike!" Someone was whispering my name. "Dear Goddess, of all the times to take a nap! Spike!"  
  
Tara. It must be Tara, trying to get my attention.  
  
"Pet?" I forced the words past my throat. Between my injuries and the tight feeling in my chest, I was having trouble talking.  
  
"Yes. Spike, I'm over here."  
  
I slowly turned my head and squinted at her. She was standing at the edge of the stage, surrounded by several other ghost types. "Whatcha doin' there?" I tried to work up some interest but it was hard.  
  
"We're planning a party," she said in exasperation. "What does it look like were doing? We're here to help you."  
  
"Why? There's no point to it," I mumbled. "Besides, thought you said you couldn't do anything."  
  
"We talked about it among ourselves . . ." she gestured to the others. ". . . and decided we can and we can't."  
  
"Not really in the mood for riddles, luv," I said, not really caring.  
  
"Then just listen," she said. "Turns out there are couple of other witches here. We've been talking and we think we can do a spell that will make us solid. But we don't know how long it will last and we'll only be at normal strength. Not much good against demons. But we figure if we all work together we might still be able to do some damage. Overpower them or something and escape. But we need your help, Spike. We can't do it by ourselves. And we have to have a real person guide us out." She looked at me. "Besides, I'm not leaving you here. We need you, Spike."  
  
"You need me?" I gave a bitter laugh. "Bad choice, that. Nobody needs me; I always bollix things up."  
  
"No, you don't, Spike. You can do it. I know you can. You just have to believe it." She pleaded with me. "Please, Spike. We need you."  
  
She needed me. I felt something inside me stir. I wanted to help her. But . . . "What about my chip? I came to get it out, remember?"  
  
"Your chip?" She rolled her eyes. "Don't you get it? This isn't about your chip."  
  
"It's not?'  
  
"No. You wanted to get rid of the thing that made you the way you are, remember? Well, you got it. It's gone. And if you don't get it back before they throw it into the fire, it's going to kill you."  
  
Throw it into the fire? What the bloody hell was she talking about? What did I care if they threw the chip into the fire? As long as they took it out of my head first, of course.  
  
Not that the damn chip mattered anymore. "I'm sorry, pet." I said, sinking back into depression. "I wish I could help you. But I can't. I can't help anyone."  
  
"Spike! Snap out of it already," she said, clearly losing patience. "We don't have time for you to feel sorry for yourself. We have to get out of here."  
  
"Tara!" One of the other ghosts called her name. "Tara! Quick, they're coming. We have to go," she said urgently. "They can't find us here."  
  
Tara looked over her shoulder. "I gotta go, Spike. Remember . . . we need you." And with that she ran away.  
  
She said she needed me. She believed in me. When was the last time anyone had said that to me? Had anyone *ever* said that to me? And I was *not* feeling sorry for myself. I felt my despair begin to lift only to be replaced by a feeling of affronted pride.  
  
The sound of trumpets jolted me out of my thoughts. Looked like it was finally time for the festivities to begin. A spotlight blinked on, focusing on the entrance on the opposite wall. As I watched, Angelus and Drusilla entered and walked across the cavern. They climbed up on the stage and took up positions on opposite ends of the three gold thrones.  
  
The fanfare began again and I looked back at the arch in time to catch the big entrance of the night. Three old men entered. They wore floor-length robes of royal blue and they had long white beards and self-important expressions. The music continued as they walked across the hall and to the stage. As they climbed up the stairs and sat down on their thrones, the music ended and silence fell in the hall.  
  
It had begun.  
  
One of the snake demons approached the stage and unrolled a parchment. He cleared his throat and began speaking in a booming voice.  
  
"Hear yea. Hear yea. We are gathered here tonight to address the matter of one William the Bloody, AKA Spike."  
  
The spotlight flashed on me and suddenly I was bathed in light. I couldn't help squinting.  
  
"The supplicant appealed to this assemblage. He asked that that which made him different be removed. We have gathered here tonight to judge his worthiness. He has made it through the gates . . ."  
  
I tuned him out as he droned on; he wasn't saying anything new. The hopelessness I had been feeling earlier seemed to have dissipated. Feeling sorry for myself. Bollocks! I may not be a Big Bad anymore but I was still me. It was showtime and I wasn't going to go down without a fight. I needed to get loose and get my heart back. And I had to figure out a way to get Tara and the others out of here.  
  
The time for introspection was over; now was the time for action. Something I was good at.  
  
I looked over to where my heart lay on the pedestal. That was the first thing on my list. I had to get rid of this weakness. Without my heart, I could never win.  
  
". . . asked that we remove that which made him different. We have done so. And, having complied with his . . ."  
  
Huh? I caught the last bit of Snakey's words. He said they'd already taken it out. Did that mean the chip was gone? They must have done it while I was knocked out. You'd think I'd have felt something -- .  
  
My gaze fell on the golden pedestal and suddenly it all became clear.  
  
"Oh, balls!"  
  
Snakey stopped what he was doing and looked at me. As did everyone else in the hall. "Oh . . . um . . . sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt. Please -- continue."  
  
He cleared his throat and picked up where he had left off ". . . And, having complied with his request, . . . "  
  
The demon had removed that which made me different. Angelus and Dru had said it earlier. Tara had even said it. It's not the chip that makes me the way that I am. I make me the way that I am. The chip didn't make me fall in love and it didn't make me feel. My heart made me what I was. It was responsible for changing me and I needed it to survive.  
  
I had a choice. I could fight to get my heart back or let it go. If I got it back I would still have all these feelings. They weren't going away. If I really wanted to get rid of them then I had to get rid of my heart. And that way lay permanent death.  
  
I was suddenly struck by the realization that I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. And living meant regaining my heart and all that went with it.  
  
Snakey had finished reading and was walking to the brazier to light the coals. "And now the time has come." He gestured to me. "Bring him." But if I wanted to live I needed to move quickly.  
  
Two snake demons walked over and freed my hands. I had been suspended for so long I couldn't stand and I collapsed. They half dragged, half carried me to the center of the stage and dropped me when we reached the brazier but didn't let go of my arms.  
  
The three old men stood up and walked to the other side of the brazier. They formed a half circle, joined hands, and got chanty.  
  
Plan. Plan. Plan. Now that I had decided what I wanted I needed a plan. I looked out past the stage and saw Tara holding hands with a couple of other women, watching me and waiting for a sign. Now would be a *really* good time for a plan.  
  
Snakey picked up my heart from the pedestal, turned around, and began to walk towards the glowing coals.  
  
Aw, to hell with the plan. "Arrgghhh!" I tore myself from the grip of the demons holding me and dove for Snakey. Luckily I didn't have very far to go because I sort of collapsed halfway. I fell against his legs and knocked him off balance. He tripped and stumbled against the Wizard-Wanna- Be's and they all went over into a pile. In the process he managed to drop my heart, which rolled a few times and then came to a stop.  
  
All the demons on the stage ran over to untangle the dog pile on the other side of the brazier and I took the opportunity to drag myself over to where my heart lay. I had just about reached it when I heard a familiar growl -- the sound Drusilla made when she attacked. I put on one last burst of strength and reached my heart just as she jumped on me.  
  
I felt her nails rip through what was left of my T-shirt and then she was suddenly gone. I grabbed my heart and tried to figure out how to get it back in. The hole in my chest was still there so I put my heart to the hole and pushed it through. I figured it knew where home was and would pop right back in. For once, I was right.  
  
My heart was pulled back into my chest and the hole immediately closed up. I felt my strength return, and then some, as I jumped to my feet and slid into game face.  
  
"Baby – Daddy's home!"  
  
*****  
  
I was back and it felt good, like I had been reborn. I looked around the stage and took in the action. Drusilla was buried under a pile of now- solid looking ghosts. Angelus had run over and was pulling people off her and chucking them off the stage. The demons in the audience had left their seats and were crowded at the end of the stage, cheering on the show. Every time Angelus threw someone into the crowd, they'd be caught and travel along the top until they fell into the mob. It was like watching some big demon mosh pit. The snake demons were still struggling to untangle everybody that had fallen over when I pushed Snakey.  
  
I ran over to the gibbet, grabbed the chains and, with one good yank, pulled them loose. It was good to be me again. I threw them around Angelus, trapping his arms, picked him up, tossed him off the stage, and watched him disappear into the crowd. Hope they banged him up but good.  
  
The snake demons had untangled themselves from the wizards and several were now heading in my direction. I gave a roar and charged them, knocking two over. Another one jumped me and I threw him off. He came at me again and I turned, kicking, and sent him flying. He fell into the brazier and started to burn. He stumbled around a bit and bumped into three other demons who also burst into flames. Evidently these guys were highly combustible. That would teach them to play with fire.  
  
Demons from the audience had begun to jump on stage, eager to join the fun. More servants appeared to fight them but they were having trouble. Tara's spell was beginning to weaken and several ghosts were starting to fade. I spotted the wizards near the back of the stage and figured it would be a good idea to get to them before they tried anything but there were a whole lot of demons in the way. I began to fight my way across the stage, throwing punches wherever I could. I was in the middle of a full-blown brawl and it was fun.  
  
I had almost reached them when I was tackled from behind. I turned over to see Drusilla, who had gotten away from her attackers, on top of me. She reached back to hit me and I caught her hand on the downswing. I tossed her off me and jumped back up.  
  
"I don't want to hurt you, pet, but I will. If you push me."  
  
She came running towards me and I braced myself for her attack. Right before she hit I saw a flash of white from the side. One of the ghosts was thrown into me and pushed me out of the way. I saw Dru keep on going and fly off the end of the stage at the same time I hit the floor. The ghost had been flying pretty high and the force of the impact caused him to lose his solid state. I felt him pass through my head and chest and heard a clattering noise below me.  
  
A head popped through the stage and looked at me. "Dude, are you all right? I didn't mean to knock you over."  
  
I ignored him and picked up the source of the noise I had heard. It was a little piece of plastic, about the size of my fingernail. It was an iridescent green with little gold circuits running over it.  
  
"Hey, man. Are you hurt? I mean, that'd be bad. Seeing as how you're on our side and all."  
  
I looked at him, half above the stage, half below it. He had shaggy light- colored hair and was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a look of confusion.  
  
"My chip." I looked at what I held in my hand. "You knocked out my chip."  
  
"Oh. Wow. I'm sorry, man. Is it broken? I got some money; I'll pay to get it fixed."  
  
I continued to stare at him, speechless.  
  
"Spike!"  
  
I spun around at the sound of Tara's voice. She was with several other servants, making an unsuccessful attempt to keep more demons from storming the stage. We were out-numbered and something had to be done fast or we would never make it.  
  
"The wizards, Spike! Stop them!"  
  
I turned and saw that the wizards had joined hands and formed a half-circle again. They looked like they were about to start some major mojo.  
  
I jumped up and barreled my way across the stage, knocking over demons, no longer playing. When I reached them, I grabbed the nearest one and pulled him to me.  
  
"Hold up there, Merlin." I turned him around until his back was to me and I had easy access to his neck. "We'll have none of that now. Any of you start up with the mojo and . . . " I pulled my captive's head to one side, baring his neck.  
  
"You can't hurt us." One of his comrades yelled. "We're human!"  
  
"And that would be a problem." I held up the small piece of plastic and gave them a wicked smiled. "If I were still chipped."  
  
I dropped the chip to the floor and proceeded to crush it under my boot.  
  
"Please! Please don't hurt us! We'll do anything you want."  
  
I looked at them. These were the wizards that ruled demons? I had to admit, I had expected more. As it was, they were pretty pathetic.  
  
"What? You're not even gonna try and fight? Just move straight to the begging?" I said, disappointed. "I thought you were powerful."  
  
"Power over others is an illusion only as long as people allow it," the guy I was holding said. "Perhaps we can work out a deal instead."  
  
"You want a deal? Fine." I shrugged. "How's this -- you let me, and all the servants, go and I don't rip your throats out. How about that?"  
  
The three of them exchanged a glance. "I think we can do business."  
  
*****  
  
I ushered all the servants through the archway, keeping an eye out behind them to make sure everybody was sticking to the agreement. The wizards watched us from the stage, the demons lined up behind them. Drusilla and Angelus were nowhere to be found.  
  
"Ok, Spike." Tara stopped in front of me. "That's everybody."  
  
"Good." I took her arm and guided her out, throwing one last look over my shoulder. "Let's get out of here."  
  
As soon as we stepped through the archway it closed behind us, a wall of solid rock where the door had been. I looked at all the people in front of me.  
  
"Right then, people. Time to move." I walked through the crowd and took up my position in the front, leading the way up the tunnel.  
  
*****  
  
"Spike?"  
  
I looked over at the sound of her voice. "Yeah, pet?"  
  
"What are you going to do?" Tara asked.  
  
"Get us out of here, remember? Thought that was the plan."  
  
She smiled at me. "No. I mean later. After this is over. What are you going to do?" She repeated. "Now that you're dechipped and all."  
  
I was silent as I thought about it. The original plan had been to come here, get the chip out, and go back to my old ways. With a quick side-trip to Sunnydale to show Buffy that I wasn't tame anymore. And if I happened to run into Xander and his face wanted to say hello to my fist . . . well, so much the better. But now I wasn't so sure.  
  
"I don't know." I shrugged. "Things didn't work out they way I thought they would." I looked at her. "I thought it was the chip that changed things but it wasn't. It was me, all along." I frowned as I thought about that.  
  
"Do you feel different? Now that the chip is gone?" She asked.  
  
"Yeah. But it's not because of the chip. It's me." I stuck my hands in my pockets. "Something about me feels different. Like right now. I'm hungry, haven't eaten in days, should be overcome with the bloodlust. But I'm not. I can feel the hunger but I'm in control of it. Does that make any sense?"  
  
"Yeah. Some. Is . . . " she paused. "Is it like the demon's weaker?"  
  
"Yeah. Something like that." I paused, thinking. "I thought the chip was a curse. I was cursed all right – just not the way I thought." I tried to work it all out. "The demon was my curse. But now . . . now it's like he's just another part of me. Not bigger. Not smaller. Just there."  
  
"You . . . seem different." She looked at me quickly and then away. "You've been through quite an ordeal, Spike. Learned a lot about yourself."  
  
I thought about that. All I had been through in an effort to return to being the demon I thought I wanted to be and it ended with me reclaiming my heart. It wasn't about the chip; it was about accepting my humanity.  
  
"I am different. I can feel it." I tried to think of a way to put it into words. "I know I'm supposed to be a demon, supposed to be evil. But I don't feel like a demon anymore. Like my human side is stronger than my demon side. And I don't feel evil anymore. I'm not sure I'm good but I'm not evil."  
  
"You've been on a journey of self-discovery." She shot me another quick glance. "Perhaps you've gained something from it."  
  
"Do I have a soul?" I scowled. Wasn't interested in turning into the Great Poof.  
  
"No, I don't think so." She looked at me consideringly. "Perhaps it would better be described as free will. My accepting your humanity you take away the power the demon had to control your actions. You make the decision on how to act, not the demon."  
  
"Does this mean I don't have to be wracked by guilt? Be all broody and stock up on nancy boy hair gel?"  
  
She laughed. "I don't think you have to worry about broodiness." She bumped my arm playfully. "Soul or no soul, it's not in your nature." She became suddenly serious. "And as far as guilt is concerned – do you really need a soul to experience that? Aren't you already familiar with remorse?"  
  
I thought back to the events that had motivated this little trip. Yeah, I knew about guilt -- didn't need a soul for that.  
  
"What would a soul give you that you don't already have?" She continued. "Love? Remorse? Empathy? Kindness? You're not Angelus, Spike. You never were. He may need a soul to feel those things but you don't. Those qualities have always been a part of you."  
  
We walked in silence for a bit.  
  
"Do you want a soul?" she asked tentatively.  
  
"I don't know." I shrugged. "Some people think it's a requirement."  
  
"The only thing Angel's soul gives him that you don't have is a moral compass. It doesn't *make* him do the right thing; just helps him figure out what that is." She took my hand. "You know right from wrong, Spike, but you've always been oriented towards wrong, thanks to the demon in you. Now you're in the middle. Evil is not your natural inclination anymore. But then neither is good." She looked at me. "It's going to be up to you to evaluate each situation and make the right choice."  
  
"This was supposed to be easy," I grumbled. "I wanted the answers to be simple again. Where's my happy ending?"  
  
She threaded her arm through mine and smiled. "You don't want a happy ending, Spike. Then it would all be over and I don't think you're ready for that."  
  
"Sounds like a lot of hard work to me." I was bound to screw up somewhere along the line.  
  
"It will be a constant struggle. But you can do it. You might not have a soul to keep you from doing evil, but you will have to deal with the consequences that such actions generate – just like humans. We don't always make the right choices and sometimes we pay the price." A shadow crossed her face and then she gave me a wry smile. "Besides, I think it's safe to say that a soul doesn't stop a person from doing evil anymore than the lack of one prevents a person from doing good."  
  
I looked at the bullet hole over her heart. "No. No . . . I guess it doesn't."  
  
*****  
  
Finally we came to a fork in the tunnel and everybody stopped.  
  
Tara looked at me. "This is were we get off." She pointed to the tunnel that veered right. "We can make it alone from here."  
  
I turned to face her. "So this is it then."  
  
"Yep."  
  
The other ghosts began to drift into the tunnel, calling out their thanks and good-byes as they passed. Finally Tara and I were alone.  
  
"Thanks Spike." She gave me a soft smile. "We would never had made it out without you."  
  
"Same goes, luv."  
  
We stood there, staring awkwardly at each other.  
  
"To hell with it!" I stepped forward and threw my arms around her and pulled her into a hug. She was still for a few moments and then I felt her arms move and suddenly she was hugging me back.  
  
After a few minutes we released each other and stepped back.  
  
I cleared my throat; I seemed to have gotten something stuck in it. "Well, go on then." I gestured to the tunnel. "They are, no doubt, waiting for you. Go where you belong."  
  
She backed up and gave me one last smile. "Good-bye Spike." She turned and followed the rest into the tunnel.  
  
I watched her until she faded from sight, felt my throat close up again, and realized I missed her. Emotions sucked.  
  
I shook my mood off and turned and entered my own tunnel. There was a change in the air and I could feel that I was getting close to the surface. The trip out had been a lot shorter than the one in. I sped up, eager to reach fresh air. It had been days since I had eaten and I was in desperate need of blood.  
  
I rounded a corner and the tunnel opened up into a cave. At the far end was an opening and I could see outside. It was night but a full moon hung low in the sky and lit up the inside of the cave. I started to walk to the opening when suddenly I heard a sound.  
  
I felt my game face slide into place and looked around the cave, trying to identify the noise. It came again and I followed it to it's source.  
  
There was a young couple in one of the natural alcoves of the cave. It looked like they had probably snuck away from the parental types for a bit of slap and tickle. They froze when they saw me and our gazes met.  
  
I could hear their heartbeats. The longer we all stared at each other, the faster they became and I could smell their fear. It perfumed the air with a scent nearly as sweet as blood. I felt my bloodlust howling to be released and, if I closed my eyes, I knew I'd be able to imagine the taste of their blood as it slid down my throat. It had been so long and I was so hungry.  
  
I realized I was moving without even thinking about it. I was now directly in front of them. All I had to do was reach out and they would be mine.  
  
I took a deep breath, struggling.  
  
"Excuse me. You wouldn't happen to know where the nearest butcher's shop is, would you?"  
  
They looked at me in confusion, not understanding. The boy shook his head and said something I couldn't translate.  
  
"Oh, well," I sighed. "I suppose it was too much to hope for."  
  
I turned away and walked out of the tunnel, into moonlight as bright as the sun.  
  
The End  
  
**************************************************************************** ************  
  
Katabasis: A journey to the Underworld undertaken by a hero which results in overcoming odds, confronting fears, and seeking wisdom. It is the death of the old self and the rebirth of the new. 


End file.
